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It’s sort of weird that heading into what could be an epic edition of the NBA Finals, most Cavaliers fans have little to no opinion about their opponent.
Rather than a Lakers-Celtics type of rivalry loaded with rich backstory, it feels like these two teams are a cute couple thrown together for homecoming by mutual friends even though they’ve never actually met.
Consequently, the Golden State Warriors don’t exactly whip up much animosity - or even familiarity - around Northeast Ohio. Other than Stephen Curry, how many Clevelanders could name another player on the Warriors’ roster? Worse, how many would reply, “Chris Mullin”?
Little does anyone know that the apparently likable, perfectly benign Golden State Warriors are actually evil incarnate, and that over the next couple weeks the Cavs will be standing up for mankind itself in an Old Testament Celebrity Death Match-type of deal.
Not convinced? Here are 10 reasons why you need to dial up your vitriol for the Golden State Warriors by Thursday:
1. The best player in their franchise’s history shot free throws like your grandma.
Sure, Rick Barry was one of the greatest players in the history of pro basketball, averaging more than 30 points a game in four different seasons, and was a no-doubt Hall of Fame selection. But outweighing all of that, he shot free throws underhanded - “granny style,” if you will - which wipes out all of that good stuff and is actually a big reason why a lot of the world can’t stand America.
2. They don’t know who their fans are.
For nine years, they were simply the San Francisco Warriors. Then they started playing in an arena in Oakland across the Bay and dropped the “San Francisco” to appeal to both places. The problem is, these two cities couldn’t be more different and absolutely hate one another. It’s essentially like putting a team in the Gaza Strip.
3. The Zodiac Killer led Golden State to its only world title.
The Warriors won their lone championship in 1975, led by the afore-mentioned Rick Barry, Jamaal Wilkes, and the elusive Bay Area serial killer who taunted police with letters and secret codes for years. Playing power forward, the Zodiac Killer averaged 12 points and 11 rebounds throughout Golden State’s playoff run and opened the door to the type of thuggery and premeditated assault the Detroit Pistons would model during their own title run a little over a decade later.
4. If Stephen Curry continues to rise to stardom, Akron will become District 12 in The Hunger Games.
Akron’s always been proud of being the home of LeBron James, but if fellow native Curry keeps this up, a chasm will open up in the Rubber City, pitting neighbor against neighbor with rakes and shovels, battling to the death over whose domain this actually is.
5. The world-championship bartender needs to cut the Bay Area off.
If there is a part of the country that absolutely does not need another goddamned world championship, it’s the San Francisco/Oakland market. The Giants have won three of the last four World Series and, don’t forget, the Athletics won three straight in the ’70s and another in 1989. Plus, the Raiders and 49ers combined to bring home seven Super Bowls in 18 years. So every time you hear somebody say Warriors fans have been waiting 40 years for a championship, break something.
6. They used to play in Philadelphia.
This is one of those franchise moves nobody remembers and sort of makes you dizzy when you think about it. From the origin of the NBA in 1946 until moving west in 1963, they were the Philadelphia Warriors. In their absence, the Syracuse Nationals were shifted to Philly and became the 76ers. And had all that not happened, the 76ers never would have existed and never would have eliminated the Cavaliers from the first round of the playoffs in 1990. And don’t let their 42-40 record fool you - that 1990 Cavs team, with Winston Bennett starting at small forward and Derrick Chievous coming off the bench, would undoubtedly have gone all the way.
7. Their coach is Steve Kerr.
Sure, Steve Kerr is charming and hilarious and smart and and a role model and an overachiever and played for the Cavs for a couple years in the early ’90s, where he somehow shot better than 50% on three-pointers over an entire season. And remember when he made that 70-foot buzzer-beater against the Celtics in Game One of the ’92 conference semis? That was awesome. Wait...where were we going with this?
8. Their home court was named after cows.
San Franciscans generally look down on the rest of America, considering us unsophisticated hayseeds who wear the wrong clothes and drink the wrong wine. And at one point, they literally had the words “The City” - San Francisco’s pompous nickname for itself - emblazoned on the Warriors’ uniforms. Yet when the Warriors first moved there, they played their home games in a facility just south of San Francisco called - I shit you not - the Cow Palace. So San Francisco, go to your room and don’t come out until you’re ready to apologize.
9. Their uniforms have the same color scheme as Michael J. Fox’s basketball team in Teen Wolf.
Which is inexcusable.
10. They’re trying to trick you into thinking they’re a college team.
This is what happens when too many marketing people are in a room at the same time: you wind up with a name that suggests the Warriors represent the students of Golden State University. And, considering the only-partially-tuned-in mentality of most west coast sports fans, it pretty much worked. So buckle up for one of the best Final Fours ever.
Clearly, the Cavs need to win this thing not just for Cleveland, but for all that is good in the world. Stake through the heart oughta do it.
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